


Shake Your Tail-Feather

by Aida



Series: Kilbo: Fail-tastic [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bilbo loves you anyway, Crack, Disturbing sex toys, Fluff and Smut, Kili is still a curious little shit, Kili you have the worst ideas, M/M, Sex Toys, Slight Crossdressing Kink, Talk of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-10
Updated: 2013-07-10
Packaged: 2017-12-18 09:50:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/878463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aida/pseuds/Aida
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AKA: The reason why Bilbo threw out the feather duster.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shake Your Tail-Feather

**Author's Note:**

> I know you guys were wondering, so I wrote this little diddy.

When Kíli decides to experiment, he tends to experiment with his and Bilbo’s sex life, and there are a number of factors that play into what experiments he wishes to try and when. One factor is Fíli, who loves to mess with his little brother, and they tend to share quite a bit about each other’s sex lives (Bilbo didn’t want to know what Bofur could do with his tongue, and Kíli must be deaf if he thought that Bilbo sounded like anything close to an owl when he was the one being penetrated and close to climax). Another factor was time, meaning how long it took to utilize certain objects in the bedroom, or how long it took for such items to arrive in the mail.

The final factor was starting to kick in just recently.

“I’m _bored_!”

Bilbo rolled his eyes at the shout, glancing over as Kíli slouched in his seat on the couch and glaring at the television.

The currently-not-working television.

In fact, there wasn’t much working since the power was out. Bilbo was just glad he was smart enough to conserve his laptop’s battery, so he could at least get some work done. Kíli wasn’t so lucky. His phone was dead, his laptop was dead, and he had finished reading three books in a row. His boredom was understandable, since most of his hobbies involved technology. At least they had food and water, and the air wasn't too stuffy. They were also well-stocked with candles and torches. They would be fine, if Kíli would just relax. But he wouldn't.

Bilbo had no pity. Still, “You could try knitting.”

Kíli scoffed. “You want to _kill_ me with boredom?” He asked. “Besides, we have no yarn.”

“Sewing, then.” He cut in smoothly. “Embroidery.”

“Bilbo, my love, I’m not some old hag in a nursing home.” Kíli groused. “Please suggest other activities.”

Bilbo paused for thought, then merely shrugged it off, typing with a flourish. “Sorry, love. Can’t think of anything.”

He bit his lip when he heard Kíli huff and flop about on the couch, emitting a high, reedy sound that Bilbo couldn’t help but relate to when Kíli was close to climax, particularly when he bottomed. They always switched, but Kíli seemed to prefer such a position, and when he was reaching climax, sometimes his voice would always sweep upwards in pitch before either releasing an almighty bellow or just petering out completely. 

Bilbo had to bite his lip particularly hard when he recalled Kíli’s experiment with fisting. How Kíli volunteered to receive first, and how Bilbo had refused to do such things unless he was properly equipped and had put on one of his love’s gloves from the stash he kept in his first-aid kit (as a nurse, he was always prepared, and almost obsessively so). He remembered how Kíli was almost like a puppet, moving this way and that if Bilbo shifted his fingers a certain way. He remembered the strained groan of relief when Bilbo’s hand was finally in completely, a sound that was both relieved and overwhelmed. But most of all, he remembered the high-pitched sound he made when Bilbo was rocking his fist repeatedly inside of him, and how high it went before it completely petered out; and the pinched, wide-mouthed, red-faced expression he had when he finally released on the sheets completely untouched.

Back in the present, he stared blankly at the screen and feeling a familiar tightness in his pants. He tried to covertly shift in his seat, hoping to not draw attention to his arousal. For if Kíli were to know, he’d try to do something about it, and Bilbo would never get work done (he wasn’t anyway, but it was the propriety of it all that kept him going). 

He thought that he didn’t notice, and that he was in the clear, until he heard more shuffling, and this time it was somewhat subdued. 

“I’m hot.” Uh oh.

“It is summer.” Bilbo replied simply, not even daring to look. But even though he wasn’t looking, he could still feel Kíli’s eyes bearing down on him.

More huffing, and then there was the sound of cloth rustling.

“Bilbo,” The younger man pressed. “I’m _hot_ and I’m _bored_.”

He glanced up and almost had to fight to get his eyes back onto the screen, for Kíli had removed his shirt. He was completely bare on top, revealing his chest and stomach that had a little bit of chub that he blamed on Bilbo's cooking. To make matters worse, the trousers he was wearing had ridden down some, exposing the crests of his hips and the little trail of hair that widened slightly the closer it got to…

Well, now Bilbo was hot.

“Too bad, so sad.” He finally said, and no, his voice didn’t crack. 

He knew he was doomed for sure when he heard Kíli get up from his seat on the couch and walk towards him. The next thing he knew, the laptop was being shut with a firm, yet careful hand, and his head was guided backwards to look up at Kíli’s dark eyes.

“Bilbo, my dear,” He crooned as he put the laptop down off of Bilbo’s lap before replacing it. “I think you missed something important, because when the man you love says he’s hot, bored, and then starts taking his clothes off, you should start paying attention.”

Well, he was paying attention, but Bilbo decided not to tell Kíli that. Instead, he snorted. “Oh yes, because that’s why I’m here.” He snarked. “Just to relieve your boredom.”

Kíli barked a laugh before pressing their foreheads together. “You know that’s not true.” He breathed. “But it would pass the time.”

Bilbo would’ve scoffed then if Kíli didn’t pick that particular moment to grind his arse down against his aching arousal. Instead, air rushed out of him in a great huff, and he moved to place his hands on Kíli’s hips.

“Are you really that bored?” He couldn’t help but ask.

“I am, but mostly I’m horny as hell.” Kíli purred, nuzzling around until he reached his ear and tracing his tongue along its shell. “That happens quite a bit when you’re in the room.”

Bilbo honestly didn’t think he was attractive enough to bring forth great tides of lust from his partner, but he had seen such evidence before, on countless occasions. It was truly hard to fathom how such a beautiful man would ever find him attractive, let alone arousing.

“Well, since you asked nicely…” He began, but Kíli seemed to be finished with talking, for he sealed their mouths together. 

After some kissing and enthusiastic groping, Kíli finally got off Bilbo, only to drag him out of his chair and into their bedroom. It didn’t take long to rid themselves of clothes (it was their lazy day, and on such days, Bilbo wears sweats and Kíli doesn’t wear underwear), and before Bilbo could even begin to ask what they should do, Kíli had shoved him onto the bed before crawling along to join him.

“You know what I’ve been thinking?” Kíli asked before lowering himself onto Bilbo, pressing their bodies together and causing Bilbo to buck against his hip.

“What?”

“I think we should take this time to experiment.”

Bilbo immediately cringed. They hadn’t experimented in a while, especially since the last time they did, it ended with them going to the hospital, facing embarrassment and ridicule from Kíli’s friends and coworkers. One of the head doctors he worked with, a man named Oin, always seemed like such a serious man, so it was incredibly shocking when the man had guffawed and laughed hysterically at them for what seemed like hours before helping them.

“Are you sure?” He asked seriously.

“Yes.”

“Because last time-.”

“I know.”

“With that thing… and they were _sharp_ for plastic-.”

“I _know_ , Bilbo, but-.”

“Do you remember how long it took to-?”

“ _Bilbo_.” Kíli stressed, clutching the man’s face firmly. “I know what happened last time, and I… I can understand your concern. But this isn’t anything like last time. I promise.”

Bilbo sent him a look. “Truly?”

“Truly.”

“So you bought this recent toy from a refutable source?”

“Yes.”

“And there _is_ a toy.”

“ _Yes_.”

“Will it go up my arse?”

Kíli rolled his eyes. “Probably.” He answered, and Bilbo cringed. “But I promise you that we’ll be able to remove it this time without any problems. Truly.”

Bilbo took in and let out a deep, fortifying breath. He really should say no, especially after last time. Their sex life was perfectly fine as it was, especially from Kíli’s standpoint, but the man was too damn curious for his own good. It led to trouble, but it also lead to some rather pleasurable experiences.

And Kíli did promise him that this would be safe, and that he did the research.

“Alright.” He finally answered, biting his lip when Kíli’s cheer was so excited that he jumped on the bed. “But remember! Safeword is-.”

“Polar. It’s polar.” Kíli responded quickly before kissing him. “And I endeavor to make sure you never use such a word.”

Bilbo couldn’t help but smile at Kíli’s beaming face, even if what was going to happen was yet another experiment that could end in failure. Or worse. 

His fears lessened considerably when Kíli dug into the dresser and pulled out a blindfold. This was familiar, at least. Wonderfully so. In fact, Bilbo shivered a little in anticipation when Kíli tied it into place. 

“I’ll be right back. Just need to fetch something.” Kíli whispered into his ear, as if afraid someone would hear them. “If you need me, just call for me. I won’t be far. In fact, I won’t even leave the room.”

Bilbo nodded, relaxing a little at his words, and smiling when Kíli loudly went about the room and dug for something in their closet. At least he was making noise, assuring him that he was still there, in the room. Not off goofing around and possibly making a joke at his expense. Not that Kíli would do that, would _ever_ do that.

But then he heard Kíli shut the closet door and he was met by deafening silence. Bilbo liked his lips nervously as his heart pounded, for there was _nothing_. No talking, no walking, no shuffling. Nothing. 

“K-Kíli…?” He enquired softly, wringing his hands against the sheets. While they experimented with blindfolds, they always made sure that the one blindfolded was fully aware of the other’s presence. Whether by a dip of the mattress, a sound, or a gentle touch. But now Bilbo had none of these, and he didn’t like it.

Then there was a pressure on his right ankle, and he almost kicked his leg because of it. Then the pressure flexed, and Bilbo relaxed.

Kíli. He knew that touch from anywhere. 

“Keep your hands on the headboard. If you take them off, I’ll stop.” He heard Kíli instruct him, and now that he knew he was there, he quickly moved to follow them. “You can make all the noise you want. Don’t hold back.”

The pressure on his ankle was gone, then, and Bilbo squawked when he felt something tickle his foot.

“What the hell was that!?” 

“Never you mind.” Kíli chided softly, and Bilbo could hear the laugh in his voice. “Just relax. Let me take care of you.”

Bilbo did, but then almost kicked Kíli again when the younger man had the audacity to actually _kiss_ his foot.

“Eugh! Don’t do that!” He protested, feeling Kíli’s breath huff against his toes.

“Why not? They’re lovely!” And with that, a strange, light _something_ brushed against his toes before Kíli placed a noisy kiss on the biggest one.

“They’re dirty!” Bilbo huffed, squirming when the light touch moved up to brush against his ankle. “And I won’t kiss you if you keep kissing _them_!”

“Oh, very well.” Kíli huffed, and Bilbo shivered when the touch moved up his leg, and _oh_. “I’ll move along, then, shall I?”

He didn’t know how much timed passed between those words and now, but Bilbo just knew it had to be ages. His entire body was thrumming, shivering and tensing at each light touch Kíli gave him. He didn’t know what exactly was doing the touching, but it was soft and delicate, and it made his nerve endings light up. Kíli had touched him everywhere with the thing: his nose, his stomach, his chest, his neck, and his armpits. The only place it hadn’t gone near was his nether regions, and he was going mad because he wanted at least _something_ to touch him there.

As if reading his mind, that light touch is on his cock, at the very tip, circling lazily and dragging slightly. A full-body ripple shudders through him, and Bilbo was pretty sure he outright whined. His grip on the headboard is tight, and his hands are going numb and his arms ache from the strain, but he doesn’t care. And when gentle hands guide his legs to spread and bend, he does so willingly, not thinking at all. The touch goes down his shaft and tickles his balls, and he barks a laugh as it tickles his arse, flinching away a little when it gets dangerously close to a very intimate place. 

Then it stops.

Bilbo bucks his hips, wordlessly begging for the touch to come back, for _something_ to come period. And he gets his wish in there’s a click and a soft buzzing fills the air. He holds his breath, because he’s almost positive what this is, and sure enough a bit of vibrating silicone presses right under his balls. 

He thrashes and sobs, because it’s almost too much and not enough. Not where he needs it, and the sensation is almost too intense. He can tell what’s against him, though, what’s buzzing against his skin: a vibrating phallus, and a big one. He wonders if Kíli intends to insert the large dildo inside of him, and he feels both fear and excitement. There’s no way he could take something with such girth, but if he could…

The object moves in Kíli’s grasp, and something nudges on his thigh, and Bilbo freezes. Because it was similar to that soft, delicate touch that came before this hard, pulsing one. But this one had more to it. A larger amount of soft, delicate, feather-light touches.

Feather-light…

_Feathers_.

“What the-?” He mutters forgetting himself as he takes his tingling hands off the headboard to remove the blindfold. He’s too confused to care that the contact is immediately taken away, more intent on finding out what the hell is _touching_ him that vibrates and has _feathers_.

When he removes the blindfold, he almost wishes he didn’t. For while the sight of seeing Kíli, naked and flushed with his cock standing proud from between his legs is a pleasing one, the sight of the bright pink vibrating _thing_ is not.

“Is that a _feather duster_?” He cries in shock as Kíli fumbles with it to turn it off. “What the… Why does it vibrate? Why was it _on me_?”

And Bilbo wants to curl in on himself, because that feather duster, that pink monstrosity of a cleaning device, had touched him in the most intimate ways. It touched his cock, it touched his _arse_. That couldn’t be sanitary!

“It’s not a feather duster!” Kíli protested as soon as it stops vibrating in his hand. “Look!”

He fights it for a few moments, and he honestly thinks that it being a feather duster would be an improvement to this. 

It’s a dildo, alright. A vibrating one that was a bright shade of pink. On the base, though, was a knob you would turn to adjust the vibrations, turn it on even, and it was as if some crafty flapper went crazy with a hot glue gun with it, because it was decorated with a large plum of pink, fluffly, _glittering_ feathers.

“Oh, _lord_ …” Bilbo groans out, rubbing his eyes as Kíli flounders back onto the bed. 

“I’m sorry!” He rushes out, plastering himself onto Bilbo and pecking apologetic kisses on his face and neck, the dildo at the foot of the bed. “I’m sorry! I didn’t think you’d have a problem with it! You didn’t seem to! I’m sorry!”

Bilbo cringes, because he hates when Kíli gets like this. Gets so upset when he goes past Bilbo’s boundaries, typically by accident. It really wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know Bilbo would take issue with a bright pink dildo that looked like a feather duster. And it truth, Bilbo didn’t have too many issues with it. It felt nice, both the feathers and the vibrations. And he was sure that, if Bilbo never took the blindfold off, he would’ve never known. The only problem he had with it was the color.

“I just… didn’t expect it. Especially the color.” He finally states, holding Kíli close. “I… might’ve overreacted a touch, love. And _I’m_ sorry. It _was_ nice.”

Kíli sighed, a little placated. “They were out of stock of the other colors.” He finally explained. “And I wanted to get it in time for your birthday, when everything had arrived.”

Bilbo blinked, because he had totally forgot that his birthday was about a week away. Kíli had bought the thing so they both could enjoy it then, along with whatever else he had planned. Now he really felt guilty. But more importantly…

“Everything else?” He asked, guiding Kíli’s face to look at him. “What else do you have planned?”

Kíli grinned, especially over the fact that Bilbo had made sure to stress that such things could still exist. “You’ll have to wait and see.”

And see Bilbo did when, a week later on his birthday, Kíli greeted him in a full French maid costume, with fishnets and a cap on his hair that was tied back. After some very brief moments with experimenting with foreplay, they fucked each other on a number of surfaces around their flat. He thrilled at how Kíli sobbed as he was bent in half on the couch, and he screamed when Kíli had him bent over the kitchen table, toes barely touching the floor. 

That, plus his favorite fish dish for dinner and chocolate cake for dessert, it all made for a very happy birthday for Bilbo indeed. 

Despite that, he still did something that took Kíli a while to understand.

“Bilbo? Where’s out feather duster? The fan’s need a sweep-through.”

“Threw it out.”

“You… You what?”

“I threw. It out.”

“You threw it out? But why!?”

“You _know_ why.”

**Author's Note:**

> TA-DA!!!!
> 
> In case you're wondering: Yes I do plan on writing more. Who knew that writing about all fail-tastic kilbo sexy times would be so fun!


End file.
